So I struggled with ethicality, and one day I knew, I would recollect my broken self to try and make sense of this malignant world. Have you ever felt that your heart is too broken to carry it to town? Ever wished that there was an agency for repairing roadworthy hearts?…As if it was a mere commodity.

After the national examination time was there in plenty. Time to party, be in relationships, get friends, get good lectures, try everything I had never. I became an addict of my phone, simply because I learned about “friends”.

The sad truth is that there some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. We rarely lose friends, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are.


Hearts break when people change but feelings stay the same….


I started shading myself from the world, telling myself that everyone changes when they meet people better than me. Good people are like candles they burn themselves to give others light. I was simply not ready to be good if that’s what it took.

I was too angry at the world. So I would smile to the world and hurt inside. Hurt people-hurt people, that’s how the pain chain goes. At least I wanted to be the pain savior, salvaged it all to myself. I knew they would come a day it would be too much. The day of the attempt……


Even with the stress and mental laceration, I am not perfect,

I say stupid things sometimes .I have scars left by people who did me wrong .I’m a little crazy and probably won’t change .I don’t try my best to be better person ,I am lazy to stand and re-invent my future .I also have positives ,strong smart and crafty. I am action, devotion, emotion, courage and I have a brain….. I wanted to bank the hope of my impaired heart on a strong relationship


Then I realized relationships are harder now. Now because conversations became texting, arguments became phone calls, feelings became subliminal messages, sex became easy, the word “love” is used out of context ,insecurities became a way of thinking , getting jealous became a habit, trust is hard to come by, being hurt became natural and leaving became the only option. Sad but true.


We come with nothing and go with nothing and go with nothing, but one thing we can achieve I our beautiful life is a little remembrance in someone’s MIND and a small place in someone’s HEART.



The day I always dreaded came sooner than anticipated. This would be my first attempt, I had researched and found less painful ways to depart from the anguish of life. Surprisingly, I found maintaining normalcy easier than expected. I did not depict any sign of anxiety, I was a calm smiley youth full of life. Night would be less skeptical.

I waited, hours seemed like days but time is obedient .It was only thirty minutes to time ,I showered and put on clean attires. If I was a goner, I’d rather do it in style. I took the bottle into my hands, that’s when I realized I wasn’t ready to do it.


That’s when I realized, colors were brighter, my body felt lighter. The breeze smelled of freedom, and the moon felt like healing. Then I found that feeling, because I realized I was in love with myself. I simply couldn’t let go. My mind convincing my heart, someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked with anyone else………….

The deep feeling of purpose kept on reverting the idea in my mind….but i said even if love is the best thing it’s still disabled (its blind)


I took a deep look at the bottle resting on my bed, brushed all the thoughts and picked it up………………………….


In every instance I sit to wonder, to reflect I only think of one thing, why me?????? What did I do wrong?
It’s as if I am repellant to the people I love to call my company .Personally I don’t see anything wrong but the writing is on the wall something is really amiss……it’s a diary full of question marks….am I really that unworthy. A lonely kid with nothing to call esteem, at least I wish the world would swallow people and they would come back reborn. May be am a wreck in the eyes of molarity, but this is my story

Maybe no one knows, but I feel I have a bigger goal towards life. I want to make a difference in life, if I died right now,. I would be a ghost. I would only live in the memories of those few who know me. Who are they? Of course, my family and a few loving friends who would eventually move on. When I sit down, I feel like am undergoing an identity crisis, not knowing who I am, I believe I am more than that one insignificant individual. TRUTH……..
Truth is that this is a generation that ,is depressed, our tiny hearts set ablaze by ourselves, yet 80% are not depressed its just the normal excuse to escape our lazy realities.

Truth is, we are defined by our decisions, and most of us just do things with on the basis of peer pressure..
Truth is we date, we smoke, we drink, we smash, but do we really have a genuine reason? Or do we just escape reality…?

Continue reading “LONER..1”

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