Simple tAlk..

A SNIPPET OF HOPE.

^{Kanini Waruingi}

A week ago we leaped into a new year, a beginning and a clean slate for some. All social media platforms were filled with heartfelt wishes and quotes that symbolized the readiness to draft new resolutions and goals. Bold statements of the unmitigated temerity to achieve this new year’s goals were evident. As I scrolled through I wondered, were we so quick to ignore the lessons learned in the past year, the unfulfilled goals, the broken relationships, and the life-changing losses we had.

In the same light, we were so haste to forget that we could intentionally forego the well-deserved pat on the back we all earned. The items crossed off the bucket lists, the small goals achieved, the new jobs acquired, the new relationships we built, the bad habits we changed, and most importantly the life-changing experiences we got to have. So many lessons learned and levels of growth achieved to just toss off the 2022 diary.

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This new year if you dont have ideas READ. If you have ideas but can’t articulate them, WRITE. If you have ideas and the clarity to execute, build, expand , organize until your wildest ideas become reality.

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Progressive learning and planning is a better approach, as we learn to forgive ourselves accommodate our shortcomings, and carry the unfulfilled goals to this year’s resolutions. Because progress is gradual and it is the discipline within the implementation of those goals that count. This year may we learn to better ourselves as opposed to trying to build completely new personalities or setting unrealistic goals? As we ease into the New Year let’s be hopeful and strategic. Come December we shall judge our bucket lists in progression.

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If you don’t create a routine, you will be assigned one. If you dont create a purpose, you will be assigned one. If you don’t create a career, you will be asighned one.People are too quick to adopt the structure that somebody else created to ease life’s uncertainity.

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Remember things don’t always go to the predetermined plan. It does seem counterintuitive until you realize how the brain works. The brain is just trying to make sense of things. Sometimes, the world is so beautiful. The smile of a stranger, the assurance from a loved one, the laughter of a friend, a newborn gripping your finger. Life is also fragile, you blink and it can be gone in a split second. In that face of horror, our minds turn our trauma into a story to make sense of it, even when it is not close to a logical explanation.

So why would your mind tell you that the world is evil? This is because evil means that your fear is correct. Evil means that you can just give up. But to believe that we all have the capacity to be heroes no matter how evil the world may seem, that’s harder because it means when the worst happens, we choose to stand up, we choose to help and that’s what all day all around us people do. So is the world a dark place? Sure it is. But there is so much light, you just have to open your eyes and look. In spite of all the hurt, hate, and darkness in the world if we choose to love we can all light up the world with our luminous allure!!

LONER..1

Simple tAlk..

In every instance I sit to wonder, to reflect I only think of one thing, why me?????? What did I do wrong?
It’s as if I am repellant to the people I love to call my company .Personally I don’t see anything wrong but the writing is on the wall something is really amiss……it’s a diary full of question marks….am I really that unworthy. A lonely kid with nothing to call esteem, at least I wish the world would swallow people and they would come back reborn. May be am a wreck in the eyes of molarity, but this is my story

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Loner…3

I took a good look at the bottle, which held the balance between life and death for me. Probably I had a thousand reasons to live and a thousand more to die. When you are at the verge of taking life there is one thing I realized, it’s a decision which is met after considering all paramount reasons to live. One thing though, everyone likes to live (you just get tired of proceeding with the process on this earth.)

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Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. Give it that time.

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All of a sudden a thought that had not struck me came to mind. The knowledge that some people somewhere love me. At that point I began to see the damage I would cause. Some wounds never heal and that I knew perfectly well. The first person I thought about was my mother. Mothers do really have a special place in our hearts.

A mother is a woman. She is a mother, daughter, wife and a sister. She is a person. She is strong, smart, and crafty. She is passionate, courageous and generous. Cooking barefoot is one of her superpowers. She is action, emotion, emotion, devotion. She has hope, beauty and power. She gives you respect, love and gratitude. She believes in you. She will nurture you and fight for you. She deserves nothing less from you.

I glanced at the clock which seemed to tick at a very high momentum as if cheering me. “Time is tired with me!!!!!!!” I told myself. It was now 2:00am, the silence of the night reassuring me I was alone. I was still standing by the window, observing the moon. My mind was certain, but my soul was not. Apparently, the soul has the most noticeable tone. It’s not loud or soft but it’s decisive, u simply can’t argue with it.
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But why………
When I got enough confidence the stage was gone. When I was sure of losing, I won. When I needed people the most they left me. When I learnt to dry my tears, I found a shoulder to cry on. When I mastered the art of hating, somebody started loving
me.
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The one that was clear in my heads at the time is that death is not a gamble. That was the main reason why I got cyanide, I knew I could stand no chance of survival. Then as memories came flashing through one caught my attention. She had been keeping me afloat for a while now. The smooth skin, the velvet lips, the golden heart, the angelic voice. It had been two months since I had told her about it. First she had soaked in tears then told me people mess up and rebuild themselves. She had told me how she had suffered as a child.

We started going for counselling. One thing I know every peer counsellor gives tones of wise quotes but not all of them help the victim. A depressed person doesn’t want a pep talk or Shakespeare quotes. At worst they don’t want sympathy, they want someone who can relate to them. Tell them things you have gone through not theories. People open up when you create the environment, after two days I said I was “fine”.

As soon as my memories faded…..I felt alone. Every normal person was out sleeping, snoring, dreaming and sleep talking. I felt hollowness in me. I realized I was not an introvert, I was a LONER………

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TRUTH……….
People swear they are fighting demons while the whole time they are fighting consequences of actions and decisions.

A lot of problems would disappear if we talked to each other not about each other.

Truth is most people are unaware of how amazing they really are .The way you make people laugh, lift others up or spread some extra love. You do this even though you are struggling too and I think that makes you such a beautiful human being.

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Again, I was thinking about her. On the camp where it first happened, her cute ..eyes looking straight through mine. Even without speech, that was the most understandable communication.

I had been standing for three hours, I passed out on the floor. The glass container broke into pieces and the liquid spilled. One last thought crossed my mind…….Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out……….

Loner…..2

So I struggled with ethicality, and one day I knew, I would recollect my broken self to try and make sense of this malignant world. Have you ever felt that your heart is too broken to carry it to town? Ever wished that there was an agency for repairing roadworthy hearts?…As if it was a mere commodity.

After the national examination time was there in plenty. Time to party, be in relationships, get friends, get good lectures, try everything I had never. I became an addict of my phone, simply because I learned about “friends”.

The sad truth is that there some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. We rarely lose friends, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are.

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Hearts break when people change but feelings stay the same….

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I started shading myself from the world, telling myself that everyone changes when they meet people better than me. Good people are like candles they burn themselves to give others light. I was simply not ready to be good if that’s what it took.

I was too angry at the world. So I would smile to the world and hurt inside. Hurt people-hurt people, that’s how the pain chain goes. At least I wanted to be the pain savior, salvaged it all to myself. I knew they would come a day it would be too much. The day of the attempt……

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Even with the stress and mental laceration, I am not perfect,

I say stupid things sometimes .I have scars left by people who did me wrong .I’m a little crazy and probably won’t change .I don’t try my best to be better person ,I am lazy to stand and re-invent my future .I also have positives ,strong smart and crafty. I am action, devotion, emotion, courage and I have a brain….. I wanted to bank the hope of my impaired heart on a strong relationship

Then I realized relationships are harder now. Now because conversations became texting, arguments became phone calls, feelings became subliminal messages, sex became easy, the word “love” is used out of context ,insecurities became a way of thinking , getting jealous became a habit, trust is hard to come by, being hurt became natural and leaving became the only option. Sad but true.

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We come with nothing and go with nothing and go with nothing, but one thing we can achieve I our beautiful life is a little remembrance in someone’s MIND and a small place in someone’s HEART.

THE UNTOLD PROMISE OF “Love”……

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The day I always dreaded came sooner than anticipated. This would be my first attempt, I had researched and found less painful ways to depart from the anguish of life. Surprisingly, I found maintaining normalcy easier than expected. I did not depict any sign of anxiety, I was a calm smiley youth full of life. Night would be less skeptical.

I waited, hours seemed like days but time is obedient .It was only thirty minutes to time ,I showered and put on clean attires. If I was a goner, I’d rather do it in style. I took the bottle into my hands, that’s when I realized I wasn’t ready to do it.

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That’s when I realized, colors were brighter, my body felt lighter. The breeze smelled of freedom, and the moon felt like healing. Then I found that feeling, because I realized I was in love with myself. I simply couldn’t let go. My mind convincing my heart, someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked with anyone else………….

The deep feeling of purpose kept on reverting the idea in my mind….but i said even if love is the best thing it’s still disabled (its blind)

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I took a deep look at the bottle resting on my bed, brushed all the thoughts and picked it up………………………….

LONER..1

Maybe no one knows, but I feel I have a bigger goal towards life. I want to make a difference in life, if I died right now,. I would be a ghost. I would only live in the memories of those few who know me. Who are they? Of course, my family and a few loving friends who would eventually move on. When I sit down, I feel like am undergoing an identity crisis, not knowing who I am, I believe I am more than that one insignificant individual. TRUTH……..
Truth is that this is a generation that ,is depressed, our tiny hearts set ablaze by ourselves, yet 80% are not depressed its just the normal excuse to escape our lazy realities.

Truth is, we are defined by our decisions, and most of us just do things with on the basis of peer pressure..
Truth is we date, we smoke, we drink, we smash, but do we really have a genuine reason? Or do we just escape reality…?