Loner…3

I took a good look at the bottle, which held the balance between life and death for me. Probably I had a thousand reasons to live and a thousand more to die. When you are at the verge of taking life there is one thing I realized, it’s a decision which is met after considering all paramount reasons to live. One thing though, everyone likes to live (you just get tired of proceeding with the process on this earth.)

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Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. Give it that time.

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All of a sudden a thought that had not struck me came to mind. The knowledge that some people somewhere love me. At that point I began to see the damage I would cause. Some wounds never heal and that I knew perfectly well. The first person I thought about was my mother. Mothers do really have a special place in our hearts.


A mother is a woman. She is a mother, daughter, wife and a sister. She is a person. She is strong, smart, and crafty. She is passionate, courageous and generous. Cooking barefoot is one of her superpowers. She is action, emotion, emotion, devotion. She has hope, beauty and power. She gives you respect, love and gratitude. She believes in you. She will nurture you and fight for you. She deserves nothing less from you.

  

I glanced at the clock which seemed to tick at a very high momentum as if cheering me. “Time is tired with me!!!!!!!” I told myself. It was now 2:00am, the silence of the night reassuring me I was alone. I was still standing by the window, observing the moon. My mind was certain, but my soul was not. Apparently, the soul has the most noticeable tone. It’s not loud or soft but it’s decisive, u simply can’t argue with it.
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But why………
When I got enough confidence the stage was gone. When I was sure of losing, I won. When I needed people the most they left me. When I learnt to dry my tears, I found a shoulder to cry on. When I mastered the art of hating, somebody started loving
me.
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The one that was clear in my heads at the time is that death is not a gamble. That was the main reason why I got cyanide, I knew I could stand no chance of survival. Then as memories came flashing through one caught my attention. She had been keeping me afloat for a while now. The smooth skin, the velvet lips, the golden heart, the angelic voice. It had been two months since I had told her about it. First she had soaked in tears then told me people mess up and rebuild themselves. She had told me how she had suffered as a child.

We started going for counselling. One thing I know every peer counsellor gives tones of wise quotes but not all of them help the victim. A depressed person doesn’t want a pep talk or Shakespeare quotes. At worst they don’t want sympathy, they want someone who can relate to them. Tell them things you have gone through not theories. People open up when you create the environment, after two days I said I was “fine”.


As soon as my memories faded…..I felt alone. Every normal person was out sleeping, snoring, dreaming and sleep talking. I felt hollowness in me. I realized I was not an introvert, I was a LONER………





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              TRUTH……….
People swear they are fighting demons while the whole time they are fighting consequences of actions and decisions.

A lot of problems would disappear if we talked to each other not about each other.

Truth is most people are unaware of how amazing they really are .The way you make people laugh, lift others up or spread some extra love. You do this even though you are struggling too and I think that makes you such a beautiful human being.



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Again, I was thinking about her. On the camp where it first happened, her cute ..eyes looking straight through mine. Even without speech, that was the most understandable communication.

I had been standing for three hours, I passed out on the floor. The glass container broke into pieces and the liquid spilled. One last thought crossed my mind…….Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out……….